i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
