70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
