I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
