if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
