The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
