Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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