Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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