the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
