dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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