Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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