the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
