WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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