And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
