he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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