Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
