I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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