You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
