So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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