I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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