I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
