I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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