I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
