shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
