there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Houston, we have a blender
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
