its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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