when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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