I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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