So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
