i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
