Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
