Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
