i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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