you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
