Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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