I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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