Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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