My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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