so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
