Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
