My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
