then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
