The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
