While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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