Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
