I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
