after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
