new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
