did you get engaged???
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize