My friends, they love my intelligence
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Randomize
