I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
