I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
