The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
