I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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