I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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