You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have already put on my inside pants.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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