I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
