he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
