my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
