Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
