and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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