i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
