that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pooping to opera.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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