omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
