I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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